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GAZETTE

         I asked Allan what I should write about in this space this month.  He said, "Write about your husband being home with you all day now and getting under your skin."

         I said, "No.  I've hardly noticed anything different.  Just seems like a long weekend and I like long weekends.  But don't let it go to your head."

         "Okay," he said.  "Write about the effect that the Highway 5 construction and detours this summer will have on Victoria."

         I said, "No.  Do you think I walk around with a crystal ball?  We don't like to be slowed down by construction and detours so it won't be pretty for a lot of people but the road has needed improvements for a long time.  Personally, I spend 99% of my time in Victoria so it shouldn't bother me too much."

         "Okay," he said.  "Write about the warm spring weather that we had in mid March this year but now it's cold and windy and they've even mentioned snow."

         I said, "No.  I've got a columnist who writes about the weather every month and all of us talk about the weather every time we meet and greet.  Cold enough for ya?  Hot enough for ya?  Do you really think I should waste time writing about the weather when everybody already knows about the weather?  Come on!"

         "Okay," he said.  "Write about the environmental wackos going overboard with regulations and requirements and how it could easily lead to $9/gallon gas."

         I said, "No.  I don't know how we're supposed to deal with wackos -- they're not rational -- but won't they have to pay the $9/gallon also?  Serves them right."

         "Okay," he said.  "Write about the family that makes $25,000/year and spends $40,000/year and has a $150,000 balance on its credit card.  That family can't survive, so why does the U.S. Government think it can?  If  you add eight zeros to each of those numbers, that's the situation of our government today."

         I said, "No.  That hurts my brain and I don't write about those kinds of things.  That's awful.  I've got laundry to do and flowers to plant and meals to prepare and windows to wash and I can't think on those things."

         "Okay," he said.  "Write about the fact that the U.S. Senate hasn't passed a budget for three years.  What if the City of Victoria didn't pass a budget for three years?"

         I said,  "No.  Don't you understand?  That subject is not my cup of tea.  I have a hard enough time writing about the Victoria city budget ... although I do report on all the workshops and all the discussions here in the City Scoop pages of the Gazette.  There are hundreds of line items, and the revenues and the expenditures always balance each other and the bills all seem to get paid.  Whoever controls the U.S. Senate should be fired but I don't want to write about it."

         "Okay," he said.  "Write about the Viking stadium here in Minnesota.  Will it be good for the state if approved?  Would the Twin Cities become a second rate metro area if it loses an NFL team?  Write about what you think."

         I said, "No.  I don't care much for sports, especially when we've got a losing team.  I'm not what you call a loyal fan.  You know that I fall asleep when you're watching the Vikings or the Twins.  I have over the years occasionally enjoyed visiting the Domed Stadium and eating the brats and cheese and nachos.  And people watching at the Dome is about as good as at the Mall of America, but I don't have much thought on a new Viking stadium."

         "Okay," he said.  "Write about all the recent health issues and funerals of people you know."

         "No," I said.  "What if I miss somebody?  There's Chub Williams' prostate, Chuck Schmidt's bladder, Tim Forcier's kidney, Gary Foehringer's eyes, Julianne Wartman's brain tumor, Marie Stumpf's broken ribs, Nick Orsen's herniated disc.  There's the funeral of June White, the funeral of Father Conran, the funeral of Bill Gaskill.  Besides, some people probably don't like their names mentioned in the paper."

         "Okay, then," he said.  "Just forget it."

         "Forget what?" I said.  "I've got to write about something.  In all these years of doing the Gazette,  I've always filled up this space.  What do you mean, just forget it?  Why don't you suggest something good like Mother's Day?  I've always loved writing about Mother's Day."

May 2012

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